Idle Hands (1999)

Episode 461, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: We’ve got another Halloween selection for you today. This is 1999’s Idle Hands, which I believe has been requested a couple times and has been on our list for Halloween possibilities because it does take place at Halloween.

And Halloween is referenced right in the very beginning. Yeah. The movie. So, uh, there’s pumpkins and they talk about Halloween decorations. So, and Jacko lanterns.

Craig: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when it first opens, there’s like jacko lanterns in front of, like a suburban house, and the music is by Graham Ville. I don’t know how to say his name, but it’s the same guy who did the music for the craft, who I was just like gushing over.

Yeah. Last week or whenever it was funny. And, and that really excited me and, and especially in the very beginning, they don’t use John Carpenter’s Halloween score, but it’s reminiscent of it. Yes. And I really liked that. 

Clip: I, I, 

Craig: that was a good way, that was a good way to get into it. 

Todd: It really was. I feel like this movie also kind of references other horror movies, although supposedly the director didn’t really want to, I don’t know if that just slipped in there or what, but there’s a lot of Sam Raimi esque cinematography in here.

Sure. Um, the cinematography really, really struck me, actually. I was really impressed with how connect it was. There were all these different angles and things were just always moving. I really liked that aspect of it. And being a late nineties movie, it almost feels like a mid nineties movie to me. I guess it’s right at that point where it’s kind of late nineties, early two thousands.

Not like the what, four years difference? Not like 

Craig: that’s a big deal. But yeah. I was just laughing ’cause I was gonna say it feels kinda mid. Period, like mid period. It’s, it’s kinda mid, like it’s just, it’s just Okay. All over 

Clip: the place. Yeah. 

Todd: Everything about it is mid right. Fair enough. Alright, so maybe we’re gonna show our cards early.

First of all, by the way, believe it or not, had not seen this before, had you? 

Craig: Oh, gosh. Yeah. I, I was excited about when it came out. I feel like early on in. The podcast, we had a guest host who is big time into Devon swa, who was a friend of yours, right? Yes, yes. Isn’t it? Yes, yes, that’s right. Yeah. He’s cool and, and he’s doing a lot of cool stuff now.

Like he did the Chuckie series and I really liked him in that, but he was kind of in nineties heartthrob and so, you know, whatever. I wasn’t super into him, but he was cool. And, and that’s fine. Yeah. And, uh, he had a 

Todd: final destination right after this. I think the same this 

Craig: past 

Todd: year. Yeah. Yeah. 

Clip: Yeah. 

Todd: And Seth Green.

Craig: I’m a big fan of Seth Green, big fan. He’s cool. Yeah, he’s very cool. He’s very funny. I know him best from Buffy. He was Oz on Buffy and he was great in that show. But he’s done lots of cool stuff. He’s especially in animation. Mm-hmm. I know he’s done a lot of cool animated series. Voice work. Yeah. And, and he’s very, very cool.

And, and even at the time I knew he was cool, so I was drawn to that. And it felt very nineties. I mean, it felt very hip. It just felt very hip and cool at the time. So, yeah, I, I definitely saw it then. And you know, we just watched it again and I was really, you know, excited to do it. ’cause I thought, oh, this is gonna be fun.

It’s gonna be a fun nineties movie to talk about ultimately, uh. I didn’t really like it. 

Clip: Ah, you and me both. 

Todd: I was so afraid I was gonna get on here and I was gonna be like, oh. I was just like, the movie graded on me after a while and I can’t even tell you why’s, I mean, alright, so good. So we’re kind of on the same page.

I 

Craig: mean, it’s fine, it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with it. No, it’s fine. I, I can’t even necessarily, I, it’s just stupid and like I am, that might be it. I’m a fan. That might be it. I’m a fan of stupid. I like stupid. I actually very much enjoy stoner comedy, which this Uhhuh totally is, very much, is like, I’m totally, I’m very down for that.

Like I am so down for stoner comedy and you already know this, but let me just be transparent with the audience. My grandfather died yesterday and you know, I, I had just been at the hospital and there was lots of family there, and then I got a call from my sister. That he had passed and it’s, it, it’s good, it’s fine.

He was very, very sick and, and he was in pain and it, it was a blessing, frankly, that he fi like he was finally out of his misery. It was a blessing. So then I was spending time with, I, you know, I was hanging out with family. And then I had to come home and watch Idle Hands. Watch Idle Hands. 

Clip: That’s 

Craig: a bit of a, of a jump, I’m sure.

Yeah. And like, so, so I just really wasn’t feeling it and I, you know, like I, I I, I, I can imagine listeners that you can understand that like, I, I just wasn’t in the greatest, like I wasn’t. In a space to laugh at some of this silliness. And it is silly. And it is silly and it is fun. I don’t wanna talk bad about it because it, it’s a fun movie and it’s, it seems like, you know, they were just having a good time making it.

It’s not meant to be serious. It’s meant to be silly and stupid, and it is, and it’s fun in that way. And so listeners. I’m not saying you shouldn’t watch it. It’s a fun, silly movie, but it’s stupid. It’s pretty 

Todd: stupid. It’s pretty jokey. Now, unlike you, I’m not really into stoner comedy. I don’t object to it or anything.

I’ve just not really my cup of tea and about 10 minutes into this I was like, okay, this is gonna be stoner comedy. But then it’s not for a while. I mean it is, but then I feel like this movie goes all over the place in tone, which I liked actually. I think that’s fine. Mostly it’s comedy, mostly it’s stupid.

I think it’s kind of a one trick pony for me. The shtick just got old after a while. It’s this guy’s hand that is possessed and, and it took it a long time to get there. 

Craig: Yeah. Like, it, it, it, it, it seemed like we didn’t even really understand what was happening. I don’t even know how his hand got possessed.

I don’t either. Is it even explained like what the, the hell, I mean at some 0.1 of his friends says something like, yeah, my grandma used to say. Idle hands are the devil’s playground or whatever, which I’ve heard. And that’s fine. Right. And and the main character, Deon Swa is like this big jerk off stoner guy who doesn’t care about anything.

But you know, he plays a too waking up and Yeah. And he, and I like Devin Swa, and he, you know, like he plays, it’s fine, you know, he’s a stoner. He just wants to sit around in his boxers and smoke weed all day. Fine, that’s fine. But like, and then Vivica. A fox. Right? Does she still go by that or is she just Vivic Fox?

I have Fox now idea. I don’t, I don’t know. But I do love Vivica. A fox. A fox, because she is, she’s a fox. She’s definitely a fox. I mean, she’s hot as fuck, like yeah, she, she’s so, she’s so gorgeous. She’s in it, and she plays a character that I don’t even really understand, like maybe she’s a nun. I don’t know.

What, what 

Todd: is she, I don’t know. Comes in. Like she’s investigating this or something and she dresses like a nun to get in to the jail. I don’t know if she’s see she’s a nun or not. It’s too late. Like what is the deal with the 

Craig: hand? Well, that’s the thing, like she’s like, yeah, I am from this ancient order of nuns and our job is to chase down this thing that possesses.

The laziest people

and I don’t know, makes their hands evil or something. I don’t, oh my God, I don’t really get it. Like you just kinda roll with it in the movie with like It doesn’t it? Yeah, it doesn’t matter. Like who cares? And like her character. Could be entirely excised from the movie and it would make no difference.

Wouldn’t even matter. 

Todd: She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t do anything. It pops into a few scenes, looks around, gets hit by a car at one point, at the very, very end, I think her character was actually supposed to die when she got hit by that car. I thought that was gonna be the comedy of the scene, was that they just ran over this woman and were just like, oh, what was that?

I don’t know. 

Craig: This woman’s just gone. Yeah, she’s just a sexy nun. Who is? From a long line of sexy nuns who are trying to hunt down this thing, I guess. 

Clip: I don’t know why. Doesn’t make any sense. What is it? It doesn doesn’t make any sense. 

Todd: Somebody saw Evil Dead too, which we did very, yes, yes. It was like, just take that and make that a whole movie.

Yes. 

Craig: Yes. And, and I wish that they had done more of that. I was surprised. Okay, so the, the opening I really liked, you know, Jack Lantern’s very reminiscent of Jam Carpenter’s score for Halloween, very Halloween. And then Fred Willard. Yeah. Is the dad and I, I love Fred Willard. I will never say an unkind word about him.

He’s so funny. And I loved him in everything that he has ever been in. Yeah. Just so funny. He’s the dad and the mom is Connie Ray, who I just recognized immediately, but then I looked at her IMDB page and she just plays bit parts. Mm-hmm. But I recognized her from, and, and so the two of them together as this silly mom and dad.

It was funny and like that put me in the mood. I’m like, oh, okay. This is gonna be a silly, funny comedy. And it is, and I liked it. 

Clip: Look at this, A Thanksgiving cornucopia made out of pie, plates and spackle. What the heck is a cornucopia? It’s like a horn of plenty. Oh dear Canid, wait, we just finished decorating for Halloween.

You, 

Craig: she looks up and sees written, I don’t know, in glowing letters above her bed. I am under the bed. Yeah. And then there’s like. Cat scare and immediately, which I thought was funny. Yeah. Was, was funny. And then the mom gets like violently pulled under the bed and killed. Yeah. And I think the dad gets killed too.

It was funny to me. The mom, did you notice the mom grabbed the phone and it was a rotary phone and it was like a hotel phone. Did you like Yeah, it had like the, the number underneath? Yeah, the rotary dial, which I thought was hilarious. Yeah, weird. And then the whole gag is the Devon Awa, his name is Anton.

He wakes up in the morning and doesn’t realize that his parents have been murdered. He doesn’t even know that there has been, been like a, a murderous streak in this town. 

Todd: Yeah. ‘

Craig: cause 

Todd: he has no 

Craig: idea. 

Todd: It’s just. He’s just oblivious. He’s walking around kind of ignoring or not, not seeing like little blood stains on the floor and things like that.

The 

Craig: cat looking up the blood, the cat like eating his mom’s eyeball. I think that’s what he eventually notices later, much later. Yeah, I don’t know. All of that. All of that was funny. Like I was. It’s like, this is funny. You know, he’s a dumb stoner teenager and, and just totally oblivious to everything going on.

Mm-hmm. And he’s like smoking weed out of a, what looked, I thought it was an inhaler around his neck. I was like, oh, he’s asthmatic. This is gonna be important. No, it’s just a pipe that he smokes out of. Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and like he’s looking for weed and he, like, before he even notices that his parents are dead.

He like goes to buy weed from Seth Green and this other guy. The actor’s name is Eldon Henson. They’re Mick and Pab Pinup. Pin Nub. 

Todd: I never caught his name in the movie. I’ve never heard his 

Craig: name. 

Todd: Yeah, nub. Maybe it’s just nub with the silent pea. Who knows? 

Craig: I don’t know. But they’re his stoner friends that he buys weed from.

And they’re funny. They’re funny, they’re, they’re stoner funny, and eventually they get killed and then they’re still just more stoner. Funny, like honestly, Todd. I was looking, I was looking forward to watching this movie because I remembered liking it and then watching it again. I’m like, I don’t know.

This is just kind of stupid.

I love Seth Green and he and this other guy are doing funny, you know, stoner stuff, but ultimately it’s just 

Todd: kind of dumb. Yeah, I, I mean that’s how I feel about most donor comedy anyway. It kind of wears itself out pretty quickly. I feel like that stuff you’re meant to be stoned while you watch it. 

Clip: Yeah.

Oh man. She dropped her lyrics book. Hey, she’s gonna catch you reading that shit over her shoulder in biology class. Her songs are badass, man. She’s like a powder or something. Go bring it back to her. Be like a night and shining arm roll. Oh yeah. She’d be all grateful. She’d invite me in, she’d offer me a drink, got upset and she’d rip your clothes off and make sweet love to you.

Red shoe diary style. Just go talk to her man. Maybe she’ll think you’re funny or something. 

Todd: It’s just low key comedy, you know, and whatever. They’re doing their thing, but they’re doing their thing for a very long time. Jessica Alba rides by a bicycle. She’s Molly. She’s the sexy neighbor next door that makes Jessica Alba.

Anton has a thing for, I think that 

Craig: Jessica Alba has removed herself from Hollywood because she was so tired of just being objectified and this movie objectify the hell out of her. Oh my God. I mean she, yes, I mean, she’s just. The sexy girl. That’s it. Yeah. And I feel it’s true. You know, I’m not gonna feel too bad for Jessica Alba.

I’m sure that she’s made a lot of money and she’s a very beautiful woman, and if she’s made money off of that, great. But I can also understand the frustration if she’s an actress who wants to act. And she just gets cast because she’s sexy. Mm-hmm. I can understand that frustration. I, I can, and I can understand, it seems as though she’s kind of removed herself from the industry and I, she’s been vocal about this, you know, in, in the Fantastic four movies and stuff.

Like in one of the Fantastic four movies, she was in a scene where she was supposed to cry and she was crying and the director told her, Ugh, can you do it sexier? God, like, like cry, sexier. Oh God. And I, I think that was very off putting to her, and I can understand that. Like I, I’ll never be able to relate.

To being so sexy. Right. If people ask me to cry sexy. Right? That would be nice. I’ll never be able to relate to that, but I can imagine how frustrating that would be if you were serious and you were an actor and you wanted to work and that’s all people expected of you or wanted from you. I can imagine how frustrating that would be.

Yeah. Nonetheless. She plays Molly the crush, the girl next door in this movie, and she is very sexy, and that’s really all that she’s given. She’s the sexy girl next door, even when she’s brought in to be in scenes and stuff. It’s dumb like, like, yeah, she, she’s just the sexy girl. That’s all. It’s, there’s one point near the end of the movie where she’s in peril and her clothes get ripped off for no reason, for no reason.

Todd: The reason was the audience wanted it, the test audience. Well, 

Craig: and, and because she’s gorgeous and, and she’s stunningly gorgeous and she looks great in bra and panties, she looks fantastic. But I can, I, I, I can’t, I can’t imagine. Sorry. We need to hoot 

Todd: this scene. What? We’re gonna rip your clothes off.

That’s, that’s what the audience, I can’t imagine for when they were watching your performance. 

Craig: I can’t imagine being a young woman. Wanting to get into acting and into the industry, and that’s all they care about and like, okay, great. Now for no reason, we’re just gonna rip all your clothes off. Okay. I mean, I’ve got great, like I’m putting, I’m putting myself in her.

She’s like, I mean, I get it. I’ve got great tits and I’ve got a great body. I get it. But. Can I come on talk? Well, not a little bit, but not really. Like I get why that would be frustrating. Anyway, whatever. So his, where do we wanna go? A 20 minute discussion of Jessica 

Todd: Albas now officially. I know. All right.

I know. Yeah, I don’t know. You know, he goes next door and he has some flirtatiousness with her, but he’s really shy and that’s the gag. Then later he ends up over at her place, but ultimately he ends up in his kitchen and he discovers the eyeball that the cat’s eating and his goes upstairs and I think his parents’ corpses like fall outta somewhere.

I never really figured out where that was and that freaks him out. He stands up and then the guys come over. People are always popping in and out of scenes. The guys are just there, or he’s left and then he comes back. You know, all these things are happening like all throughout the movie. You can never really keep track of who is where and it doesn’t really matter.

Craig: Yeah. When the guys come over. They find the dead parents. The dead parents have been propped up like Halloween decorations or something, but the mom has a piece, Anton’s shirt has been ripped from the beginning and I noticed that. Yeah, right away. And when, when the boys come over, the mother has the ripped off piece of t-shirt in her hand.

I really don’t even understand this. How would that work? Honestly, that would never happen. I don’t understand it because from this point on. And like I think the mom had written a NT and Blood on the floor and like they find the ears of some other twins that were killed. Earlier in the house. And so, yeah.

What was that about? He says, I don’t know. He says to the friends, the killer was me. I am the killer. I don’t get it. It’s not like when the hand takes over it, he’s totally possessed. Like he’s conscious, conscious and aware of what’s going on. So how did the hand go on a murder spree? Right all around town and he’s just completely unaware all around town and he’s just completely unaware of it.

I don’t get that. 

Todd: Yeah, I I don’t get it either. It doesn’t make any sense. Well, it’s not consistent with what we see, which is him fighting Bruce Campbell Evil Dead two style with his hand pretty much for the rest of the movie until he cuts off and not as good, 

Craig: isn’t it? It’s so funny to me that we just watched Evil Dead too, and I just went on and on and on about how great Bruce Campbell was at doing that.

Devon Sawa, God bless you. I’m a fan. I’m a big fan, and you’ll never. Heard this, but this is no Bruce Campbell work here. I don’t know. I don’t think he did Too bad. He was, it was fine. 

Todd: Yeah. He had kind of a different 

Craig: vibe 

Todd: going with it. 

Craig: I think that had I not just. Seen and gushed over Bruce Campbell that I wouldn’t have thought about it at all.

But watching this, I’m like, ah, you’re no, Bruce Campbell. 

Todd: The thing about it is the hand kind of switches on and off at one moment. He’s really, really fighting it, and the next moment he’s like having a dialogue with someone and you’re like, how did he control that hand? All of a sudden it’s just like by his side, or it’s tucked in his shirt or something, and then boom, the handle, like pop up onto his neck.

Or I, you know, uh, it, it’s just again, it’s. It’s not, and thank God it’s not a long, sustained sequence of him fighting this hand for an hour. Right. It does then therefore lead to these moments where the hand’s not even an issue. I mean, he’s still there. His hand is still attached, but now he’s like walking around or he is trying to solve problems or whatnot with the guys.

Anyway, it does lead to some funny moments though. Mm-hmm. Like I love that bit. Seth Green, his character is backing away from him, and he flips open the door of the refrigerator to block him, and he holds up a beer bottle. He’s like, would you like a beer? And his hand just immediately smashes it out of his hand, smashes it against the counter to break it, and then impales Seth Greens.

Character in the head with the beer bottle that was sudden and quick and kind of funny. Yeah. Uh, yeah, it is funny. And then there’s a whole chasing killed them both. 

Craig: Yeah. Yeah. He kills them both. I don’t remember how he, oh, he throws like a saw blade, like a circular saw blade. He throws at the other guy and cuts his head off and all of this gore and stuff.

Fun. Honestly, I just really feel like I wasn’t in the right head space. I feel like if you’re in the right head space, this movie could be very fun and very funny. Take a hit off your vape pen. Smoke a hole. It’s, you’re gonna have, you’re gonna have a better time. 

Todd: I don’t know, but that doesn’t. That doesn’t explain why I was also, I mean, was I also not in the right head space?

Like there was just about it? No. God no. No. Not in China to God, no. But I don’t know why I could not pinpoint what it was about everything that I. Just wasn’t, I mean, I don’t wanna say emotionally invested ’cause how emotionally invested do you get in a wacky comedy, but there was something about it that just didn’t connect for me and I just felt I was watching scenes, you know, afterwards.

Craig: Yeah, it did feel like scenes. It didn’t really feel like I didn’t know where it was. I didn’t know where it was going. Like I, yeah, I didn’t, I didn’t really get. Point of it. There’s no strong through 

Todd: line because no, there’s not. The movie pauses all the time for just long gag sequences. Like once those two guys are killed, he goes to bury them in the backyard, but they come to life.

And that was kinda shocking. I didn’t expect that. And I’m still not sure what caused that. Why No, why? There’s no, there’s just no explanation whatsoever. No. Just so we can have two zombie stoner guys and then the next 10, 15 minutes is just them doing stoner stick. Zombies in the living room. Right, right.

Like the 

Craig: one guy’s headless and he’s, you know, taking hits off the bong and it’s just coming out, you know, of his neck or whatever. Yeah. So I think 

Todd: with, with that, like whatever plot there is and there’s not much plot, it’s just chase the hand really, it just stops dead for these moments. And like I said, in those moments when they’re doing all their shtick, suddenly the, I, I’m, I’m like, what’s, what about the hand though?

Like, is he still fighting the hand? No, the hand’s just kind of hanging there. It’s like not an issue anymore, I think. It’s around. After that, he ends up going next door to Jessica Alba. 

Craig: Is that right? Well, right, and it’s almost like the zombie guys and the hand are like encouraging him to be more confident.

Go over there, ask her out or whatever, and then ask her out while he’s there. The hand is like getting handsy with Jessica Alba and like she’s into it. This, it was. Stupid. Yeah, it was really dumb. Like the hand is like, the hand is like grabbing her ass and stuff, and then she. It’s so dumb. This girl lives across, this girl lives across the street from him or whatever, but they don’t really know one another.

And he’s been lusting after her and he rings her doorbell with his evil hand. They talk for a second. The evil hand like grabs her ass and she’s like. Ooh, that’s hot. And she throws him down on the bed, and the gag is that the hand is getting aggressive, so he has to tie the hand to the bed, but she thinks that he’s just being kinky or whatever.

Mm-hmm. Which, okay, that’s cute. You’re teenagers, but, okay. And, 

Clip: and then 

Craig: she just s him. I couldn’t believe. Yeah. I, I couldn’t believe that. Like, I was like, what? You, you guys don’t even know each other and you’re like 17 and he ties himself to the bed and you take his pants off and just go to town. Go to town.

I mean, listen, when I was 17, if that had happened to me, I would’ve been thrilled, but it, it seemed a little 

Todd: out place. I don’t know. Yeah, I hear ya. I mean, it was just a gag for a gags sake, but with the ages and stuff, and I don’t know, just the way it kind of went down. It’s also there no tension or 

Craig: weird?

No, I don’t dunno. It’s, it’s also very safe. I mean, this movie is R-rated, but there is, there’s no sex. Right. It just, he tie, he ties his hand to the bed and then it cuts back to them later. And I think she’s like, oh, my parents are home. I don’t want them to know that. I just. You, you like his pants are down, but he’s still in boxers.

It’s very visually and cinematically. It’s very chaste. I just, it was weird. 

Todd: Yeah, yeah. It felt, it felt off to me. I, and I don’t know if that’s because there was no real back and forth that she was just so eager. She just jumped on. I mean, I realized that maybe is the gag, but we kind of saw that coming from a mile away anyway.

’cause she’s been all over him since he opened the door. Right. So. I don’t know. There just wasn’t a lot of, there wasn’t like an arc or whatever to this scene. It just kind of happened. And then they end up back over at, at his house and the friends are there watching TV and he’s like, Anton, I’ve gotta ask what’s with the hand.

Clip: It doesn’t obey me at all. So the only thing I can come up with is it’s, it’s gotta be possessed. Hmm. Do you guys know anything about Satan or evil or No. But we know somebody who does, 

Todd: and it’s the guy who listens to the same Motley Crew song over and over and over again. God, how many times were they gonna drop the needle on Shout at the Devil?

Was that the gag? Every time this guy came on the screen, it was playing that song. You know, they pay per needle drop for licensing fees. Sure. So the only thing I’m thinking of is maybe Motley Cru, shout at the Devil like five times was cheaper than five different tunes. And not that they have a shortage of tunes.

By the way, this is like a greatest hits of, oh my God, late nineties alternative. There were. Metal. Yeah. The 

Craig: Ramone’s, 24 hours to go, right? Yeah. Features pretty heavily. Like also there’s a band at the school dance, and it’s a famous band, but I don’t have the name of it in front of me, but they’re doing the Ramones 24.

I don’t know the name of the title. That’s why 20 20, 24 Hours to Go and One Be Dated, and that’s a great song. I love that song. 

Todd: Yeah. Well, when he goes to meet up with. That guy. I don’t, Freddy was his name. I think he is at a fast food restaurant. Yeah. And there’s a memorial outside the fast food restaurant where apparently one of the, or these twins were killed.

So people are laying flowers and there’s this kind of dumb bimbo gal who’s also laying flowers and this guy’s over the top, stupid, I don’t know, guy who listens to heavy metal or whatever, jockey type person with the big truck. He walks up to her and everything about this scene was so cheap. And the acting was so over the top bad that I thought I had stepped into a Troma movie.

It felt exactly like a scene from a Troma film. 

Craig: Yeah. I hadn’t thought of that, but you saying it. Yeah, it does feel like that. You’re right. Remember that chicken movie 

Todd: we did? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I liked that you guys. It was stupid fun, but I liked it. If this whole movie had been like poultry geist, I would’ve liked it more.

But this one scene just was like, this is pure trauma. So you know, that was different plopped in the middle of this. I don’t know how Anton ends up in the drive through window of the restaurant. He kind of goes in and the hand just kind of grabs him and there’s some kind of half-assed gags where the hand is trying to pick up murderous things.

The knife and throw it, but it keeps kind of avoiding people narrowly. And I would’ve enjoyed that if it had gone on a little longer. But it just happens a couple times. And then Freddy ends up in the drive through. It’s my hand. Okay. It’s, it’s, it’s, 

Clip: it’s like it’s got a mind of its own. It makes me do things I don’t want it to do.

Oh yeah, man, I to be like that, get into all kinds of stupid shit. But the trick is to keep yourself busy. That’s why I’m always working on the board. It keeps me out of trouble. Idle hands are the devil’s playground. Keep my 

Craig: hands busy. 

Clip: Yeah, that actually makes sense. Mm-hmm. 

Craig: So he starts knitting and that’s, that’s that.

Todd: It should be really funny, shouldn’t it? It should be. What’s the most, oh god. Obvious way to keep your hands busy. But then the cops, the cops come back. One of the cops is played by Sean Waylon didn’t mention the cops before. That was fun to see. Yeah. Our very first 

Craig: episode, people under the stairs, I was like, it’s Sean Waylon.

I was excited. Right. And so, I mean, they don’t do anything. They have a No, they’re not. They’re just there. They’re father, he kills them. One of them gets like, and, and it’s not him, it’s not Anton, it’s just his hand that he has no control of. One of them takes a knitting needle to the ear. That’s straight through the head.

Yeah. Ear to ear. And then the other one. I just have taser to the face. Yeah. I’m not sure why that would though, killed 

Todd: him. But that was Sean Waylon, all the while Derm by Rob Zombies playing in the background. And Anton decides he needs to take care of this Bruce Campbell style. So he goes into the kitchen and he’s got his hand in one of those Bagel slicers.

Mm-hmm. And this I actually laughed out loud at, because one of his friends says, man, those things won’t even cut my bagel. And I was like, yeah, that’s exactly right. Mm-hmm. Those bagel slicers are useless and it is useless. It just bends around his arm and so he ends up chopping it off. It ends up in a microwave.

Yeah. 

Craig: Yeah. He puts it, that was weird. Like, like you said, like it just, it just feels like a series of scenes. Like we watch this hand cook in the microwave for like 30 seconds. Yeah. And okay, but, and, and then he leaves. Nothing comes of that. Like, no. Eventually somebody just opens the microwave and it gets out like it’s fine.

Yeah, 

Todd: he leaves for some reason. I don’t even know why. So then the guys come back in and they wanna microwave a burrito ’cause it’s a stoner thing. And there’s a gag where, uh, Seth Green’s character puts the guy’s head back on finally, uh, with the meat fork. 

Craig: I thought that was funny. It was a stupid joke, but it was funny to me like he stuck the pointy part of the meat fork up in the guy’s neck and then just crammed the blunt side down in his body and then his head was on for the rest of the movie.

I thought that was kinda funny. That’s right. 

Todd: That was funny. E tries to microwave a burrito and when they open it, the hand leaps out and runs out and they’re like, well, that was weird. And then there’s a shtick where he’s eating the burrito and like. Comes out of his neck. So they’re using duct tape. That was gross.

I didn’t even care for that. I know. But then Anton is back all of a sudden, wherever he went to now he’s back. Exit scene. Enter scene. It’s like a play, right? I, I, I don’t know why, where he was, what he was doing and why he’s now suddenly back, but he’s back looking for the hand. And by now the hand is working its way down the street.

So the hand is detached from here on out and apparently is played by the same magician who played a thing. The Adams family movies, which is cool. It is cool. That be a real big deal. 

Craig: Yeah. I thought that was cool too, that it was that same guy and good for that guy for having a hand career. 

Todd: Right. 

Craig: He’s really fun in the Adams family here.

I don’t know, it just felt like a, a lot of running around. Mm-hmm. I, I, I all, it 

Todd: wasn’t just much expressiveness. 

Craig: Exactly. I was gonna say, frankly, I wish that the hand was more of a character. It’s really just something that pops in and out here and there and that they’re chasing around. Even in Evil Dead that we just talked about, the hand had an attitude.

You know what I mean? 

Todd: Yeah, yeah. You’re right. It was kind of a, it felt like a character. 

Craig: Yeah. And I would’ve liked that more here, but it’s really not. It’s really just a device to run around and kill people, but whatever. That’s 

Todd: fine. Yeah. Because at this point it’s really just chasing the hand around and it, it works its way down the street.

They go and take the metal guy’s truck for some reason. That’s when they hit Debbie. Debbie comes outta nowhere and yells Anton and gets hit by the truck, and I’m like, where did she come from? How does she know? I don’t remember Anton. She, she came from Utah or something. Like she, she broke from 

Craig: I know. I, I have, I have in my notes, Debbie hooks up with the truck guy to find Anton.

Todd: How did she sort out this guy has the new hand spirit? I don’t know. 

Craig: There was some, I, there was something that connected that. I don’t know what it is, what I don’t. Understand maybe still is, why is the hand after Molly, right? They are trying to chase it because it’s after her. Why? 

Todd: Yeah. I don’t, is it because of it just fell in love with her in her bedroom?

Craig: I don’t know. I guess whatever. But then they, they go to this high school dance, right? Mm-hmm. Yep. And, and that band is playing the Ramones and we get boobs, Jessica and Jessica Alba’s dancing like an idiot, like. That scene where they’re just dancing. I’m like, what are you doing? So stupid. I don’t know.

Todd: Well, you missed the couple in the car where you’ve got the obvious, if you’re gonna have a disembodied hand in a movie like this, you know that you’re gonna have Oh, right, 

Craig: right. 

Todd: Hands, fondling boobs. So we get our, our boobs in there. Those are big titties. They were, they were impressive. I wasn’t complaining.

Well, he, the, the three hands that end up on it have a lot to, to push around. That’s true. Um, shout of the devil is still playing by the way. Oh my God. Yeah, the hand. 

Craig: Yeah, the hand kills that couple and 

Todd: mm-hmm. 

Craig: It’s funny, like, I don’t know, they’re just making out in the car and then the guy goes down on her and then all of a sudden her top is off and like her big natural boobs are just.

Ow. 

Todd: And, 

Craig: and, and then they, and then they get killed. I don’t remember. And 

Todd: everybody then it’s just the hand is inside, like the, the principles in the dance. It’s just a scene. Yeah. Well, it’s not really in the dance. I don’t know how it gets where it’s going. It just pops around. But, uh, I think the next scene is there’s the principles on the, on the phone in the dark, and he’s talking to some chick, maybe phone sex, and this hand crawls up his leg and he’s like, oh.

It’s like, I can feel you doing it. Then I guess it grabs his dick and yanks it off or something while he’s talking. Yeah, 

Craig: I, I just have hand kills pervy principle 

Todd: and, and Anton pops in the room, sees the aftermath, and looks around and walks out. But it turns out the hand’s still in there because the next shot is the hand sharpening its fingernails in the pencil sharpener on the desk, which I thought was cute.

That had great angles and style. 

Craig: I did like that. Mm-hmm. That scene in particular, I, I made a mental note of it too. I was like, that’s clever. Having it stick its finger in the electric me carpenter. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. That’s so good. 

Craig: But, and then there’s, you know, the classic thing where he gets on the mic at the school dance and it’s like there’s this evil hand on the loose.

Everybody go home, but, but nobody believes them. And then it shows the hand locking them into the. Dance, I guess. Uh, 

Todd: yeah. Drops down on the maji the musician’s head. Right. Peels a scalp off. That was, that was fun. 

Craig: I that yeah. Right in front of everybody. Yeah. The little high school dance montage I did appreciate.

’cause so many horror movies with something bad happening at the dance. He drops one of the, a whole light rack, like a whole rack of hanging lights on a bunch of people. The hand us. Mm-hmm. All that was good. That’s great. Molly and a friend escape into. The hallway sized 

Todd: vent. Vent, they could practically walk in this vent.

Yeah. I 

Craig: know we’ve talked about this before, like the Vince in these movies are ridiculous, 

Todd: but this is, this is utterly ridiculous. They’re, they’re like lowering themselves through this shaft. I mean, through this, this giant fan. I like this bit though. I liked the concept of it. Molly lowers herself down.

Her friend tries to, and her friend somehow gets caught up in the rope and it. Ends up around her neck, so it looks like she’s hanging. So Molly kind of tries to pull her down, but then the shoe that was stuck in the fan to keep it, to keep it open suddenly gets knocked out and so the fan starts spinning and so this poor girl gets sucked back up into the fan and just chopped bits.

Craig: Yeah, 

Todd: I like that. That was a clever seat. 

Craig: Poor Tanya. Yeah. And then I don’t even remember how we get there, but. Then we cut back to Anton, who is still fighting with the hand, but the hand has now gone into hand puppets, 

Todd: a hand puppet. Oh my God. They, they were really stretching in the writer’s room for this one.

I think 

Craig: I actually like this and think it’s hilarious. The hand being in a puppet. That’s really funny. And I mean, I guess if you’re just gonna go for it, just go for it. But like, it doesn’t make like the puppet’s. Facial expressions change. Change. Yeah. How are you gonna explain that to me? It gets 

Todd: stupid.

Craig: It’s fine. It is stupid and it’s, it’s, it’s stoner stupid. And that’s, I don’t know, nothing wrong with it. It was, it was maybe a, a bridge too far for me yesterday, but Okay. Whatever. Well, it’s funny, I’ll laugh at it. 

Todd: Honestly, if this kind of ridiculous donr comedy was happening throughout the movie, I think it would flow better, but it’s just bits and pockets of it here and there.

Craig: This is also when this hand puppet has Molly tied up to a car, which is on a, like on the roof of the, of a car. On a lift and it’s lifting it up to like this glowing pentagram on the ceiling. And this is the point where like, I guess Anton’s trying to get her down, but all he does is just rip her clothes off.

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: Not only does it happen, which is ridiculous enough, but that’s fine. But they call attention to it like every, like poor Jessica Alba has to. Act looking down at herself like, oh no, my clothes got torn off. I make it sexy. 

Todd: Like 

Craig: it’s so silly. 

Todd: So silly. I wanna know how the hand managed all this. I mean, it really tied her down there and drew that Penta pentagram on the ceiling.

I 

Craig: know. 

Todd: And it’s very capable, 

Craig: I guess. I don’t know. 

Todd: Yeah. Anton is fighting the hand because the hand has a grip on this lever that’s pulling her up. It’s that classic really. Right. Okay. Power play against, yeah, and she’s, you 

Craig: know, she’s just the writhing, screaming sexy girl. Like 

Todd: Yeah, 

Craig: it’s very cliche and I’m sure that’s exactly what they were going for, like, 

Todd: for sure.

Craig: I get it. I get it. It just didn’t, uh, it didn’t land with me yesterday. Maybe it did when I was 17. I don’t know. I don’t remember. But the way that they get the hands to stop lifting, the thing is to give it a bong hit. 

Todd: Yeah, like suddenly a gets a great idea of the, one of 

Craig: the dead guys has like an exhaust, like an entire car exhaust.

Like it’s as big as his torso, but he’s turned it into a bong and he calls it Mighty 

Todd: Joe Bong. 

Craig: I saw some crazy bongs in college, but never that big. Yeah, and I don’t know, the hand gets high and the lift stops, and then Debbie shows up again. I guess she’s not dead. I thought she was dead. No, but apparently she’s not.

Todd: Nope. She ran in with the, her ceremonial dagger and chucks it in the air, just as the hand is flying through the air. 

Craig: Something she, she has. I think a ceremonial dagger that I don’t recall ever having seen before this. Um, she has, oh, she was trying to 

Todd: stab what’s his name with it earlier time. Okay. All right.

So 

Craig: she’s got this fancy dagger and she just throws it at the hand and it goes through the hand and the hand just disappears. I swear to God in my notes, I have, that’s it. 

Todd: Then Seth Green’s character literally says that. 

Clip: That’s it. That’s it. No explosions, no Hell fire, no. I mean, no, I’m glad everybody’s all right.

But yeah, that was weak. 

Craig: So Lisa? Yeah, and then she then sexy vivica a fox like grabs Seth Green and says, time for the ritualistic sex and just walks out.

Todd: Oh god. Oh man. Time for the ritual. I still, first, I 

Craig: like, I’ll, I’ll wait until the day I die for somebody to. Grab me by the call and say, time for the ritualistic sex. No, I mean, if it’s time, it’s time. 

Todd: I know, right? Horror movies though, ritualistic sex doesn’t always turn out so well. Well, 

Craig: I mean, if you’re gonna go, 

Todd: be willing 

Craig: to give it a shot.

Fair enough. If you got, if you gotta go anyway, I don’t know. Okay, so then Molly makes out with Anton and somebody says. ’cause I have it in quotes. As usual, marijuana saves an otherwise disastrous day. 

Todd: Oh, it’s, it’s fine. And then somehow Anton is crushed by the car, right? Like they, somebody knocks a lever or something and they realize Anton is underneath it.

And by this they’re like, oh, shoot, Anton. And we don’t really get to see what’s happened to him because the other two are too distracted by the garage door. That’s opening. To reveal that white light that earlier they said they didn’t, they chose not to walk into ’cause it was too much effort. Right. And this time they decide to walk into it and the final scene is Anton is alive and in bed and Molly is Hol whole body 

Craig: cast.

Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. And Molly’s hovering over and and him and she says, I can’t even believe it. You blew off heaven to kick it with me. And he is like, yeah. Then the two appear as angels. The guys say something funny. The two dead guys, 

Craig: his friends. Yeah. 

Todd: Then they walk away and then, and they turn off the light. 

Craig: Yeah.

And, and, and there’s the, the glowing message. I’m under the bed and then that’s it. Right. Like I feel like that’s where it ends. I was really looking forward to watching this. Mm-hmm. And then there were bad circumstances and I kind of had to watch it late last night and finished it just before we started talking.

I was really looking forward to it. I remembered liking it and there were so many things. I love Seth Green. I really liked Devin swa. I think that the concept is funny, but whether it be circumstance or or whatever, it just didn’t work for me this time. I just, I just wasn’t into it. 

Todd: Too dumb for Craig.

That’s, that’s a pretty, that’s a pretty dumb movie. Yeah. 

Craig: That, that’s a low bar. Yeah. 

Todd: Usually I’m the one who’s like, oh, this movie’s too stupid for me. And you’re like, what? Come on, chill out, relax. I love dumb comedies, but yeah, I 

Craig: don’t, I do, and I didn’t hate it either. Like I wasn’t mad at it, you know, I wasn’t like, I didn’t feel like I was wasting my time.

If you haven’t seen it, you know, I know Todd, that you said when we started that you hadn’t seen it and you didn’t particularly enjoy it. But if you’re, you know, a Gen Xer who’s a horror fan, watch it. It’s fine and, and you should know about it and you should be able to talk about it, but it’s for educational purposes.

For educational purposes. I mean, we we’re Gen X, we have a responsibility. We’re like, we’re, we’re, we’re the last tough responsible. Generation. Yeah, exactly. So you owe, you owe it to the children.

Todd: I mean, I have to say I didn’t hate it either. I didn’t think it was terrible. I just, that’s the thing. Lost patience with it, and I think I already said it. I think it was just a bunch of dumb kind of obvious donr jokes, which were funny, mixed in with a few surprises, which were nice. But all just kind of peppered with random scenes of hand gags.

Yeah. And there wasn’t a real flow through. I didn’t really understand what the end game was gonna be, where the story was headed, where did this come from? Is it gonna continue to be a threat? Who is this woman chasing it? Right. None of that is ever bothered to be explained, and I, you wouldn’t think it would need it, but I don’t know, without it, I think just the culmination of all these things, it just felt like a big.

Massive scenes that I really wasn’t terribly invested in, and I was kind of ready for it to be over, so 

Craig: it could have been an SNL skit. It could have been a three minute funny thing, it could have been a recurring SNL kit that could have been funny, but all stitched together. It’s kind of a long hour and a half.

Clip: Yeah. Put it 

Craig: on in the background. Yeah, like when, when you’re vacuuming it’s better than nothing. Watch it. 

Todd: Watch it. Don’t listen. That’s, 

Craig: that’s my, that’s my glowing review. It’s better than nothing. 

Todd: Well, speaking of better than nothing, thanks for listening to another episode of our podcast. If you enjoyed it, please share it with a friend.

Let them know where we are. Write a review for us up on Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to your podcast. Those really help other people find us. If you’re really enthusiastic, you can find our Patreon at patreon.com/chainsaw podcast for just five bucks a month. You get access to our uncut phone calls that lead to these.

We have lots of little goodies up there, minisodes, you name it. A great little community in the background. We’ve got a good book club going there. Cool. Waited a long time. Now. We’ve been reading Grady Hendrix, Stephen King and Christopher Pike. We dip in and out of young adult fiction and get into the more serious stuff.

If you, that all appeals to you, just go there, uh, patreon.com/uh, chainsaw podcast and you can support us there as well. However you support us. We really appreciate it. Our home online is chainsaw horror.com or leave us a message there or on our Facebook or Instagram pages. Thank you for listening and we’ve got more Halloween movies.

Coming your way this month. Happy spooky month. Until next time, I’m Todd. And I’m Craig with Two Guys and a Chainsaw.